They said I could have my stapler....

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____________________Had a guy come in today that used to work here. After some small talk, he asked if I ever borrowed his camera to document a spill--I immediately recalled taking a picture of my crotch with his camera. (its one of those things I do) Apparently he went into a restricted area and had his camera's disk searched. LOL. Luckily for him, I was wearing pants this time.

I'll be heading to the other camp soon, which is niiiiiice. No Taco Bell for 4 months, tho'......we all have to make sacrifices in life. I had to buy a heavy duty shipping container to send some of the crap I've accumulated home. This includes about 120 pirated movies that are sold on base. Funny thing is that everything goes thru U.S. Customs--my gas mask, shaving cream and knife couldn't be shipped, but, by God, those pirated movies are OK with us. mmmmkay?

One of my favorite sites is having a captioning contest with a picture of three girls showing off their new LBTs (lower back tattoos). My idea was "great ideas of 2001"--some ideas are great, at the time--like investing in Enron, buying an Edsel and witch trials. I remember my ex-wife asking me if she should get one--thinking back now, I should have told her "yes, that will really set you apart from everyone else." They look as tacky as my tribal arm tattoo.

Senor Mateo

I guess management wasn't too pissed off with me--I got a promotion!............Wooooo hooo! Like my parents, I am now a Senior. A Senior Environmental Technician. Schwiiiiiinng! (yeah, I went there) I will have to wear a collered shirt now, which sucks 'cuz I just brought back like 8 more T-shirts to add to my collection of maybe 20 that I already have here. Looks like I'll be sending some crap back home. I took the day off 'cuz I am so sick.

Taking a day off is a boring as being a work.

Its my first day back and I'm still sick. And we're having a dust storm that is making everything worse. My official welcome was in the form of a pubic hair that was magically attached to the toilet seat of the bathrooom I share with a Bosnian dude. I kicked at it with my shoes a few times, but it wouldn't budge. It really pissed me off, 'cuz I really needed to....uh, you know--have a seat. I won't go into my removal method, but it was sufficient.

I went through over 120 emails. The most bestest was a forwarded email from one of "the suits" to my boss, saying I needed to work on my professionalism. The problem? On my "out of office" reply, I wrote that I'd be out of town and my mind for the next two weeks. Oooops. I totally forgot I did that, and I meant to change it. I'm sure I'll hear more about it later.

If I forgot to see you while I was in town, or If didn't get to say goodbye, please forgive me-- I was busy every day and tried to get everyone in. It was good to see most of my family and I was especially glad to spend time with my brat, and we had a great, sweaty time at 6 Flags until I grossed everyone out with my 3 foot spit whips. That was some epic spit. I think I wrote about it already.

**side note** I just had soup for lunch, it was Campbells Chicken Noodle. Have you ever looked at the "chicken" in the soup? What is that crap? It hardly ever even resembles chicken. Looks like a loogie. I'm done.

DUBAI

Before we fly into Iraq, we stay in Dubai for a day or two. I'm not even sure if Dubai is a city or a country, but its that place with all the really cool skyscrapers, man-made islands and indoor ski slopes. The place has always intimidated me a little-- taxi drivers that barely understand English, weird currency that looks like monopoly $, Arabic names and signs, all that crap. I've stayed in Dubai maybe 6-7 days in the last year, but I've always stayed in the room and caught up with my massive jetlag. This time they hooked me up in a room with a young kid that wanted to go out and see the town. Which we did. It was cool, we went to about 7 nightclubs, and I discovered that among other wonderful things, Dubai has one of the highest hooker/civilian ratios IN THE WORLD. Silly me thought these hot Russian chicks were into bald, pasty, fat guys. WRONG. Still had fun anyway, no international laws broken. That I'll admit.

That Edgar Allan Poe. I feel a little like him right now. I feel like crap and I'm depressed.....I'm depressed cuz I'm headed back to Iraq tomarrow. Whats worse is that I've been coughing up my lungs the last 2 days. DEPRESSION+WHISKY+SICK+WRITING= POE. Get it?? I don't think he had the pleasure of Canada's Finest Export, but he DID have Absinthe. Can't seem to find any of that in Texas, but my dad left me a litre of Crown Royal on my bed, still in the box. What a guy, huh? Perhaps I'll stop putting antifreeze in his lemonade.....Nothing totally eventful during my vacation. Except losing my keys. That really sucked. Oh, damn, i feel like crap. Its 3 am, can't sleep, but I see that Ice Road Truckers is on in 15, so I'm gonna pour me my last glass of whiskey for 4 months, write a morbid poem about a raven, then wake up in a Baltimore gutter. Again.

Lessons in Life #4298

(warning, the current update is rambling and not very funny. It has also not been proof read, so read at your own risk. All subjects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. In our Forum, The Peoples Court.)

LESSON OF THE FREAKING DAY: Don't lose your F***ing keys, when you're out of town. Thats me crying. Or wiping the sweat away, can't remember. Weird, but the weather was nicer in Iraq. Forgot all about humidity. Nasty.

Heres the story about my keys: I went to see my sister in Dallas, went to Six Flags (Amusement Park)--and sober--I remember not having them at the park, because we had to go thru a metal detector to filter out Al Quaida. And Dennis Quaida......Did I mention IT WAS FREAKIN' HOT?? I'd compare the day at the park like Waterboarding with the CIA. Holy Shit, PURE TORTURE. Standing in line for 50 minutes for a ride that lasts just 9 minutes doesn't compute with me. None of this really has anything to do with my keys, but hey, it gets better. Because the highlight of the day was drinking a frozen, fruity syrup concoction instead of the water that my body probably needed. This made for some EPIC spit bridges that would go past my knees before I could suck it back up, much to the displeasure of my poor sister, who was already sick from all the rollercoasters and heat. I was stretching some 4 foot spit strings, hitting ants that were collecting on popsicle sticks, then eating them like a lizard. It was fun, except you gotta chew 'em or they'll bite your tongue. Oh, the Keys?

Anyhoo, they disapeared off the face of the earth, swallowed up by a small, black hole that formed in Grand Prarie, Texas on Thursday. My other set of keys were in Houston, Texas 230 miles to the southeast. My choices:

• Have someone drive 'em down here.
• FEDEX 'em
• go ballistic, get drunk at a titty bar and smash chairs thru Burger King windows
• go to a Nissan Dealership, tell my story of idiocity and bite the bullet.

I chose the latter. Ladder? The last one, I chose the last one. New KEY $100, Computer programmed? an extra $50. New alarm? $79--thought that was the best deal. Oh, and the tow was $100. They took 2 hours to get it all done, so I bitched how I was on my R&R, wasting my time here, and they threw in a nice leather Nissan keychain. Then they had trouble cutting the key, so I bitched more and got a sweet Nissan racing hat, which actually looks pretty cool. Its noon, so I think I'll venture outta bed, now, and head to Lake Charles, Louisiana and do some gambling. I looooooove blackjack. I'll bring my camera in case I lose my keys again!

Cut Short

Wooooo hooooo!! I'm about to turn in my laptop, so I will be computerless for the next 2 days. Earlier this month, I fried the power supply on my personal laptop, so thats just one more thing I get to do when I get home. I don't care, just get me out of here.

I've been shopping and pricing cars for the last 3 months and have 3 dealerships waiting for me to test drive perspective sleds. I've been reading up on car buying and haggling tips. I've been reading up on what NOT to say and I know the Blue Book values of each models according to their mileage, options, trim. I'm going to see which dealer is the most flexible. I am READY for battle.

I love my old car, but thats what it is....an old car. Its a 1991 Mitsubishi 3000GT that I bought 3 years ago when it had 68,000 certified miles. Its was sweeeeet. I had big plans for the car, but time changed my mind and its ......... Ok, I was going to ramble on, but its time to go. Screw that car, I'm getting a new one, byotch. Toodle-loo!

I know the feeling, dude.

Rectum?! It damn near killed him!!

Just a quick anecdote. (oooh, big word alert!) To leave here for any reason, you have to go through a gauntlet of departments to confirm you're clear to fly outta the country. One of the departments that needed to sign was MEDICAL. So I went to the medic, and after looking at my records, he informed me that I needed a hepatitus shot. As he took my pulse and blood pressure readings, he handed me the electronic thermometer monitor and asked me to open my mouth. Within a split second of me opening my mouth and him sticking the sensor in my mouth, I glanced at the monitor and it showed a digital image of a human bent over on hands and knees, in "the position".

Lets just say it was a lot to ponder in .0301 seconds.

"Wait!! What did you just give me?!?"

I was serious. He says "oh, we got to remember to switch these things over"

"What!!??"

After a very awkward 4 seconds, he explained to me that it was never used as a rectal thermometer, and that the "Ned Beatty" icon automatically shows up when the unit is turned on. A very serious flaw if you ask me.

Mad Matt beyond Thunderbox

Thunderbox, crapper, port-a-potty...whatever you wanna call it, I just visited ours. Its 6pm and still 120 degrees F (49 C for you limey bastards) so sitting in the "hot box" like Cool Hand Luke isn't on the top of my list of fun things to do right now. The worst part of the deal is that they cleaned it an hour ago. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but it ends up being hotter than a Brazilian rain forest in there. Add in TP that you can see through, and you got something I'm not gonna miss later this week! Sweeeeeeet!

Thankfully, I got over my fear of sitting down in a porta-potty months ago. That was something I knew would have to change, because all this fine cuisine I'm consuming must go somewhere. Most of the time I walk around here feeling bloated like the goldfish that my brother overfed while I was a summer camp. Except I can't crap in a fishbowl. I was going to try something similar to that at a party once--but I was talked outta performing an "upper decker" by a friend of the homeowner. (Google it if ya don't understand)

Tomorrow is my last regular day of work. Then the next day we have to go thru 8 or 9 different departments to be cleared to fly. Its an all-day thing. Basically, they do this because the turnover rate is so high. Lots of people don't wanna come back, so they plan it as if you were gonna go AWOL. Ah hell, its time to go...which will make it 1 and 2 wake ups?....wait, my count is off.....tonight.....tomorrow....a wake up...but tomorrow is a wake up.........ah shit, don't matter.

Freak Dog Chews off Womans Head

Fri Jul 4, 12:35 AM ET
ALTON, Ill. - An Illinois woman says her beloved miniature dachshund gnawed off her head while she was asleep earlier this week. Linda Floyd told the Alton Telegraph Wednesday that her beloved Roscoe was euthanized because of safety concerns.
The 56-year-old says she has no feeling in her head because of nerve damage from diabetes. She discovered the head missing after waking from a nap Monday. She called her daughter, who then phoned 911.
A veterinarian says the head had been bandaged because the victim has a tendency to dress up like a mummy. That might have somehow attracted the dog, leading to the decapitation. There was no comment from the dog.

How cool is this? A freak'n camel! Or maybe its a giraffe, I dunno. They caught it running around on base and since we're next to the Vector Control area, they drove by and I took a photo. The asshole driving the truck wasn't too happy with me "spooking" his camel. He yelled at me for taking pictures. F U, bugman!! I still got the picture, nahhhhh!

Yeah, I'm bored...

That a picture of my "stupervisor". Fun with a digital camera and a Xerox machine! He needs to lay off the chocolate muffins, they're going straight to his hips.

One down, 1,384,592 to go....

Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that either delighted or scared the crap out of children for more than a half-century, died Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83.



OK, so I stole that paragraph from CNN and fixed it up a little. I hate clowns....Its not that I'm scared of clowns, its just that I find other things more a bit more amusing--like public executions and the mentally challenged. I never saw much use for clowns--I don't find them very funny, however, I found they scream like regular people when you smash their hands with a sledgehammer. That's funny. Since clowns are supposed to make you laugh, I thought Mr. Harmon would appreciate some going away humor:

• How to you kill a clown who has big, floppy shoes? With a big, floppy sack of door knobs!


• Whats better than a clown falling out of a 10 story window? Another one standing below him!


• Whats the difference between a dead cat in the road and a dead clown in the road? There's skid marks in front of the cat.

Finally! A pervert teacher that ISN'T hot!

Its about time. When I read about another female teacher accused of sleeping with her teenage male student, I said "Damn, here we go again"

Then I saw the mugshot.

"Finally"

Finally its not a smoking hot, mid-twenties babe trying to get her groove on. I don't condone this behaviour by any means, of course, but you gotta admit this kinda thing has been in the news numerous times in the last few years. And most of the time, the teachers are yummy. I had a teacher in 8th grade history--Ms. Dumas--who wore sweaters everyday. She wore sweaters everyday because she had nipples like permafrost. Those baby pacifiers were at attention 24-7-- even when it was hot outside . I think I even earned my first F in that class because I was too busy learning Stalking 101 to pay attention. MMMMmmmmmm, Ms Dumas. mMmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm. Damn that song!

Well, its one week till I leave here.....which means 24 hours flytime on 3 different planes-then another day and a half to get over the damn jetlag (helllllloooooo Crown Royal!) time 2 go....

Does this pass for funny?

I found this in one of our containers in the yard. Nothing cleans better than a little stomach acid--now with lemon scent! Yeah, I know its lame, but.......9 more days to home! I'm so sluggish I move like a three toed sloth. Or maybe Sloth from "The Goonies". Not sure which one I'd rather be. 3 toed sloths get to chillax in trees, but Sloth loved Chunk. I bet he did. If Sloth barfed, could he say he blew Chunks? This update just went in a full, pointless circle. Hmmm......... mmm mmmm mmmm mmmm. Oooops did it again. I need a day off.