Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm?

Wow. For some unknown reason I downloaded that Crash Test Dummies song that goes mmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm. Actually, thats the name of the song, too. Not sure if I actually got the number of "m"s right. I don't know what made me even think of this song....I'm listening to it right now. Its so bad its..........hypnotic....kill? kill who? Now? Yes, my master.......

The Denim says "Diet"

Gimme a friggin' break!!! Another pair of pants down the drain. Ok, Ok, I know I gained like 10 pounds, and I know I no longer walk, I waddle. I get the point. But when I wear my rain gear someone always yells "Taxi!" --I think it might be time to put down the fork and slowly step away from the plate. I still have a hard time with the "free food" concept here....its hard to believe every meal is a free buffet. This is probably the sixth (or seventh?) pair of jeans I've split in the 8 months I've been here. I'm gonna need some of those "mommy jeans" with the elastic waistband............Tonight I will be motivated to go to the gym...or at least walk by it.

Spewing Humor Once Again

I apologize for not adding anything lately, its hard to get motivated when you don't give a crap. I should be happy--I'm going home in 10 days and when I come home, I'll have a promotion, raise and my own camp to do nothing at. Lighten up, Cupcake!! Ok, I'm over it. I sometimes forget that having a blog is like a commitment, no matter how much I suck at it. Lord knows I hate commitments.

I'll tell you something that truly sucks--when everyone you work with knows about your blog....then you can't bitch about 'em to complete strangers. Its a quick way to run outta material. Otherwise I might make fun of someone like my supervisor--who is a very intelligent man, but enjoys talking to himself....OUT LOUD. Hellloooooo? In another 10 years that sort of behavior will get him in the looneybin. So I won't write about him. Its very tempting.

Its been a very slow day so I took out all of our manuals, guidebooks, memos etc. and made "cliff notes" outta them for myself. Everything was written like my insurance policy--way too wordy. Now I understand 'em better. I made them Idiot proof. God, this is a crappy update, forgive me. wow, I'm boring myself just writing this....tune in tomarrow, I have a great idea..

Sgt. Bunny-Eyes has left the Country

Jody (Sgt. Bunny-Eyes) dropped off some HAZMAT just now. It was her last time here before going back to the States. She's leaving the Army for good. In case you're new here (and give a crap), this is easily the hottest chick in Iraq--and she's got these neon-blue eyes like a husky. Mmmmmm, yummy. Well, at least I got a sincere hug outta the deal, and not just some "thug hug"-- I damn near got a chubby! As she was leaving, I ran to the office to get my camera so I could post a picture of us, but then I realized how stalker-ish it would look if I ran up to her humvee breathing hard and asking for a picture. Sicko! So I had to let her go : (

Is this a better picture? God, forbid I post something offensive. I have this AWESOME picture of an eagle eating a cute little squirrel...I was gonna put that picture on, but I have some damn, tree-hugg'n, PETA-hippies in the family and I might get one less Christmas card this year. But if you leave me a message and I'll send it to ya, along with a half-pound of veal.....

Great picture, huh? You should see the one I wanted to post......Well, I found out its MY BOOTS that stink so bad, not me. That's a relief-- thank God for "Frebreeze"-- it helps, but its just a temporary fix. The problem is that my sweat from the other day leaked through the fabric of the boots therefor liberating 4 months of foot odor that had been confined inside...
I watched a DVD last night that was filmed by a platoon of National Guard in 2004. Geez, I thought things are %$&*#ed up now. Damn, those guys had it real bad. Nothing but tents and mortar rounds.....The soldiers were really ripping on (unnamed government contractor) pretty bad. $35 charged to the Government for every plate of food served--wow. I could be eating filet mignon ever meal. They showed TCN (third country national) subcontractor convoy drivers with no front windows, minimal protection, no personal armor--it was sad. I get stuck behind these guys all the time, and it pisses us off to no end, but they have families to go home to also. They're just trying to earn a living, too. Ok, I'm done ranting....everything is great in Iraq now, we're all friends and I ride my unicorn through cotton candy fields under a marmalade sky........(huh?!?)...uh...did i tell you my boots stink?
I spent my lunch hour yesterday signing my friends up for non-heterosexual mailing lists and already got a retaliation invite to "Out in America". Its amazing what you can sign up for with just someones email address!
16 days and a wake up to get the hell outta here!

I stole these photos from my buddy, they let him take photos on the Blackhawk ride to his camp. I was too afraid to whip out my camera, everyone is heavily armed and scowling--except me. I'm sure I look like a complete tool, with my head almost out the door--trying to catch bullets with my teeth, I guess. The door has 5 foot wide window with no glass. And the bottom of the window starts below your knees, so if you wanted to jump out, I guess it wouldn't be a problem.

If they run, they're VC....If they don't run, they're well trained VC....Get SOME!!!...GET SOME!!

Holy crap! The big fan stopped!

Big enough gun? Somebody compensating for something???

This is 98% nitric acid. It is NOT your friend. The 55 gallon drums in the background are bursting at the rate of 2-3 a week because of the heat and the fact these drums have been in the sun for a year. This morning, Little John (The 6'4 Canadian) and I suited up in our chemical gear and respirators for 4 hours of fun and sun--took us 4 hours to clean up the mess and by then, the radio announced the temperature was 130 degrees. Needless to say, I'm pretty messed up right now. I sweat through my leather boots--thats not easy to do! I think I drank at least 2 gallons of water and never pissed. Sure could use a frosty, cold adult beverage or ten. 18 days and a wakeup, and I'll be home...........sweeeeeeet.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE....

Had a request for camel porn, so there you are, I hope you're happy.....

Tomarrow is my 20th high school reunion and I'm stuck here another 2 weeks. Boo-hoo. A lot of peeps would like to just forget that whole part of their life, but if I remember correctly, I had a whole lot of fun. I think it would be fun to go and show off my chin collection! Ok, I'm not really as big as I make it seem--its just that I think about going to the gym all day, and at the end of the day I find solace in a tube of Pringles and a bag of Whoppers.

I was all ready to go- I even bought my plane ticket, then found out it was too soon to take my R&R, so I paid $180 to change my ticket. That money could have been used to rent that deluxe honeymoon suite with the heart shaped jacuzzi and mirrored ceiling. I was gonna hook up--all those single mothers? C'mon! I know it-- I still got a little of that bad boy vibe to me. Of course, now it looks like I'm actually gonna hafta mack on the babes at a water park with my kid. Uhhhhh ok. I'll be floating by the swim-up bar.....

"Mommy, look at the dead whale!

"Don't touch it!"

I really don't care much for water parks, but I'll still have fun unwrapping Baby Ruth's and throwing them in the water. Well, until they throw me out for that--or smacking some guy for ogling my 15 year old mini-Jessica Alba looking daughter. She's quite a knock-out, in spite of the algae I threw into the gene pool. Poor kid even thinks like me. God help us all....

I need SOMEONE to be interactive...

Hey, is my feedburner thingy on the right working?? Y'know where it says "subscribe"? Click it, subscribe to my wonderful, awe-inspiring (ahhhhh) blog, and let me know if I did it right, or I can take it down. Its gett'n a little crowded over there. First one who does it, wins a mention in my next update ( a $1.23 value).

Man, I stink. I shower daily, use deodorant and all that, but I've developed this permastink thats difficult to get rid of. I found the best solution is to rub hand sanitzer gel in my pits, let it dry, then shower. Thats seems to work. Originally, when I smelled B.O., I thought maybe it was my safety vest, since I never wash it. Turns out, I'm just a nasty-f**k that needs 2 (two) showers a day.

I apologize for my blog sucking so much lately, my brain is on cruise control and I'm ready for my 2 (two) weeks off. Why am I writing my numbers like that? 'Cuz thats how I gotta do it in my reports. They are very specific on how they want things written here. 1 (one) time I didn't do it, and they corrected me. To (two) (2) be honest, I don't know why (y) they want it that way, but thats what I'm here for (four) (4)--to appease my "superiors".

We had a big rig overturn last night at about 8 (ate) pm, but luckily the fuel spill was less than (<) 100 gallons, and dint take long to clean up. On the even suckier side, I didn't get my B.O. tainted armpits home till after midnight (12am)-- five (5) hours before I had 2 (to) (too) (two) (tu-tu) get up for (you get the point) work. So I'm a little (teapot) tired. Actually, delirious is more like it, as I just worked outside for about 90 (ninety) minutes. I gotta go.

To Post Or Not To Post?

Richard Gere, eat your heart out! I got my own gerbils! Obviously, the rats were quite excited to see me (must be the cheese I keep in my pockets). I'm guess'n its probably about 1982 'cuz I'm sport'n some seriously RAD threads. I remember how hot it was at Disneyworld that vacation-imagine those poor people in the costumes........Wow, I was a walking chessboard. Socks pulled all the way up and a bowl cut w/wings--a babe magnet in the making! Hey-only 72 years until its the 80s again!

Leona Helmsley's dog loses $10 million in ruling


Associated Press

NEW YORK — Leona Helmsley's dog isn't quite as well-heeled as she used to be.

Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for the little dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million.

The remaining $10 million now goes to Helmsley's charitable foundation.

The 9-year-old Maltese lives in Florida with the general manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel.

Helmsley became known as the "queen of mean" during her 1989 trial for tax evasion. A former housekeeper testified that she heard Helmsley say: "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

Helmsley denied having said it, but the words followed her until her death last August at age 87.

The court decision, made April 30, became public today, the dog could not reached for comment.

Are You HOT in Iraq?

Welcome to "Are You Hot in Iraq?", the new reality blog brought to you by the same people who brought you "Guess Whats in Matt's Pants?". I've included some photos of hotties --and notties--and how they would rank if they were here in Baghdad. Enjoy!

Is this the girl from Napoleon Dynamite??

She's definitely hot here.

Iraq Hotness Scale: 9.5

Her face can't stay that way forever, right...........right?!?
We may have a winner!
Iraq Hotness Scale=10!!

I'm guessin' thats not her first cup o' fries....

Iraq Hotness Scale: 5 with 3 bonus points for showing me my first roll of shoulder fat=8!

Man, this is a tough one........well, she's got money, at least.

She looks too much like Ozzy in drag.

Iraq Hotness Scale: 7.8 (if I'm delirious from scorpion venom)

Sir, please take your boobs off the counter.

Iraq Hotness Score: 8+.5 for the pleather hat and nipple shot= 8.5

Mmmmmm. More of you to kiss. Ya wannna make loooooooove?

Iraq Hotness Score: 7

Poor Kids Ruined Halloween

This morning I got stuck behind one of the buses that carry the 1000's of sub-contractors around the camp. It reminded me of when they built low-income apartments at the main entrance to my old neighborhood. Nothing against the less fortunate-hell, I was one "of them" last year, but the people that moved into these apartments bred like flies and soon it got to the point where they needed their own school bus. At this point we're talking about 50-60 kids crammed on this vehicle and getting off at one bus stop. To get caught behind the Bus from Hell was a lesson in patience--you could empty a skyscaper faster than this loser cruiser. At Halloween, these hooligans would filter into my neighborhood, usually without costumes and well into their teens. They would rarely say "trick or treat" or even "thank you". On the other hand, I should be nice because it was probably gonna be their dinner for the rest of the week.....I'm not pointing my finger at any race or color or anything--even though I look like a skinhead--its just something I reminisced by watching a bus of Sri Lankans unload in Iraq today. You see the similarities, right? Ok, I'm over it.

Its Fathers Day--when I start getting all those strange phone calls from kids I don't know. Must be some kind of a prank that no one let me in on.

Today sucks so far, we're having a duststorm, we've had customers streaming in all day, I sharted in my pants today, its hot--what else do you need to know? I have nothing new to say, other that I'm getting duller than a butter knife. I need some excitement--excitement that doesn't include me getting out of bed at 1am to clean up some dudes oil spill. Like I really want the overtime. We get 84 hours a week already.

I figured out one of the reasons they give you so many hours a week: so you can afford the liposuction from 3 buffets a day. There's even a midnight chow if you want it. If I get any bigger, I'll have to buy a second seat for the trip home. The airline asked me if I had any special meal requests-- I asked for 3 whole chickens and a diet coke. And dry, white toast.

I miss seeing movies in a real movie theater. Sure, its nice seeing movies before they come out in the U.S., but the copies we get are always grainy quality --and sometimes somebody's head is in the way of the camera. Thats one thing I can't believe I didn't do more of last time I was home, see movies.... Well, I did see that Will Ferrell movie about basketball and it sucked bad. More cowbell couldn't have even saved it.

Sgt. Bunny-Eyes

I don't know if I've mentioned her before, but there is a HOT Army Sgt. that brings in HAZMAT every once in a while. She's got these glow-in-the-dark blue eyes like a bunny rabbit--and did I mention she's HOT?? I saw her today at lunch and she stopped to talk to me. Whoa. Once again, my lack of game reared its ugly head. (huh, I said reared) It was ugly. I've lost all my people-skills. My charm dried up long ago, when the weather got hot. She told me she was going to be out of the Army in a few months, and was ready to settle down start a family. It took the Power of Greyskull for me not to say the first thing on my mind (would you like some help?). She said she'd be by later this week to introduce her replacement, maybe I can locate some mojo by then.

THIS IS MY VEST. THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE.

When I wear my vest, I like to pretend I'm Han Solo and my radio is my blaster. I'm always on the lookout for some Wookie. Some Wookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your......Man I need a vacation, stat!

Little Chewys Got My Back!!!

Dude, how cool is this? I just kinda threw this together an hour ago. My Han Solo vest isn't quite flattering in this picture. Neither are my laser blasts. Man, its hot. How hot? You know that feeling you get on a hot day when you feel you didn't wipe well enough? Welcome to my world. OK, I know that was gross, but you knew what you were getting into when you came to my site.

I'm gonna let this one go.....

Dude, I've Been Cyber-Stalked!

Dude. Who's the creative stalker that left me the message?? Damn, that was twisted! I'm proud of you, whoever you are!

Its hot as HELL (we just hit 120 degrees) and I'm totally hopped up on energy drinks, so there's lots of PURE CRAP below to entertain you for about 6 minutes...chuka chuka...6 minutes...chuka chuka.....6 minutes, Doug E Fresh, you're on.... oh-oh-onnn...............I bet I'm the only one that understands that one, like always.

The End is Near....

Dude, all I hear over here is how much the price of gas is going up, how much food cost is going up, unemployment is up, stocks are down, Paris Hilton wants a baby....man, sometimes I'm glad I'm here.

The media makes it sound like apocalypse is in the near future and we should all stockpile supplies. What a puny plan........and by the way, what the hell is hypermiling? Its sounds like some sort of punctuation mark. Are ya'll rationing yet?

I'm pretty excited about coming home and seeing my brat, buying a car, drinking beer, sleeping in, watching Ice Road Truckers, eating food not served on sytrofoam--all the crap that you people take for granted. It'll be fun, but it goes by SOOO fast. I already have a list started of things I wanna do-- I'm gonna take my daughter to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" that'll freak her out properly. Especially since I like to dress up like the Tim Curry character.

The local store just got Rock Star (energy drink) in, I've already drank two of those 16 oz "Tall Boys" this morning, which I now see was a very bad idea. Strong doses of caffeine and heat don't mix--my hands are shaking like a mutha......

Dude--My next ride. I fill it up with gas I collect in old hubcaps under wrecked cars. Its the last of the V8 interceptors. Rad.

Dude! The Feral Kid. Not easy to find a picture of him.

Dude! The Feral Kid all growed up! Looks like he ditched the sharpened boomerang for a hotty. I wonder if he still makes that grunting sound when he's angry. I guess you'd hafta ask Mrs. Kid.

The kid looks a lot like his dad, Feral. I guess that makes him Kid Kid?Unlike his dad, he doesn't get to wear the animal skins, but it looks like there was a sale at Marshalls! Woo-hoo! Mrs. Kid is sport'n a popped collar--cutting edge!

Me and another one of my squeezes. Sometimes I swing both ways....I think.

I had a request for pictures of some of my lady-friends, so I wanted to include this snapshot of the twins I've been spending time with. I met them at a MENSA conference last summer--its nice to meet girls with brains and beauty (four boobs help, too). When they're not performing at the circus we like to go to the lake and rent those silly boats that you pedal with your feet- I sit in the back while they do the work.

I damn near passed out today. From heat exhaustion and embarrassment of being outdone by a pot-bellied, 50-something year old. I spent 75% of the last 2 months in air conditioning, then tried to work outside in a chemical suit and full-face respirator in 110 degree weather. Made it an hour and a half, then told the other guy I had enuff. These suits and gloves are chemical resistant, meaning NO air is getting in there unless you unzip your suit. Then..............well, you're still hot as hell. They don't pay me enough to wake up in a Kuwaiti hospital with IVs in me. I tried to man-up and finish the job, but my body said NO. I tucked my tail in between my legs and ran back to the air conditioning. And cried.

I get my own room today. Sweeeeet! Now I got a place to bring my bitches. Its the size of a large closet. But it'll be my closet. I'll post pictures of it when its all together- because my life sucks and moving into a tiny trailer is the only exciting thing I can write about! OUT.

The bitch is BACK!

Man, thats a pretty lucky shot there. I don't know if we're susposed to take pictures-probably not, so I was hiding my camera behind my bag and hoping this picture turned out. Not sure who that handsome devil in the shot is. I'm glad my parents bought me braces.

I'm back at my original camp, now. Then first thing I did (after showering) was walk over to Taco Bell and order $13 worth of food. Then I ate ALL of it. Oh, crap, I bet I see those tacos again.

Not sure when I'll make it back to the other camp, there was a really cool guy I hung out with named Lucas. We were hangin' around, talking about stuff, when the inevitable "how old are you?" question came up-it always does. Ends up I'm old enough to be his dad--eeewwwww! Thats pretty creepy. But not as creepy as me calling him son. Which I did every chance I could.

Yeah, thats me I'm HOT. I meant temperature-wise, silly!

I wish I had filmed this, I coulda added the theme from M*A*S*H

I was trying to be covert with my picture taking. Lots of guns out here, don't wanna piss anyone off.

This picture will win some sort of award

Better living through pharmaceuticals

Wooo-hoo! All my stuff is still here.....I guess. When you got this much crap, you can't really tell whats missing.

I'm gonna take a break for a while, I'm completely burned out from being here. Keep checking, I'll be back when something worth writing about happens. m.