Many of the blogs I read get hundreds and even thousands of hits a day. After 2 1/2 munts my precious little blog finally hit 1,000. I'm sooooo happy.........I'd like to thank the academy.......and Google......*sniff*... and my parents...... Hitt'n 1k is the only good thing that has happened all day-hey, thats rhymes! Not much to write about except my feet are cold, I'm on my 31st straight 12 hr day and my mind is like the instant mashed potatoes I eat everyday at the mess hall. Duuhhh. As a reward for your continual support, I will give you another fine example of MULLETNESS: (SEE BELOW) *******Editors Note: I submitted my posts in the wrong order, so the mulletness is above...but you already know that----SEE? I AM losing it. *******
Saw my first camel spider today. It wasn't as huge as I expected, actually it was rather disapointing. Well, it wasn't disapointing, since it was dead-- spiders scare the crap outta me. The picture above is one I got off google, and it was only half that size. But I can imagine what its like to have one crawl at you--they're very aggressive, I hear. Its raining again, and everything is as miserable as can be. And cold. I'll depress you more later....
I don't know who you were, but you were constantly in the news the last 3 weeks-just for being sick. Suharto in critical condition, Suharto making a comeback, Suharto battles the network stars. Damn, dude--Hats off to the fight you fought. And by the way-hats off to your hat- thats a snazzy one! Hey.....didn't he play Arnold on Happy Days?
Thats me on the left, I'm a chicken. I'll get into that later, tho'...... I'm still in class, its my lunch break and I've got Subway. They have a Subway and Pizza Hut on this side of the base but, of course, it doesn't taste the same. No fast food here does. I didn't have a choice on the chips--I got "ketchup" flavored-seriously, thats the translation on the bag. Justa typing away with my sandwich, drinking a coke and jammin to some Stevie Ray Vaughn. RIP, brother left us way too soon. We got an hour and a half for lunch (overkill?) so this is gonna be a long one-thats what she said.....sorry. So, as I was going to the restaurant/trailer I walked beside a smoking hot civilian chick who started up a conversation with me. I was caught pretty much off-guard that she'd talk to me and I ended up giving one word answers and looked like a typical burnt-out asshole. Damn. I couldn't think of one intelligent thing to say to her and make her my bitch.
HER: Do you think the proposed interest rates decrease will insure our country doesn't fall into a recession?
ME: I liked recess in school. huhhhhhhh.
OK, thats not how it really went, I only got a few syllables out. Then I ran. Fast. My feet just kept goin' ....and goin'.......Run, Matt, RUN!! Get away she might have cooties!! Good God, talk about having NO GAME. I've lost it. I used to be a playa....Burn-out is starting to occur. My last day off was New Years Day-- this class is kind of a break, I guess. If sitting in class and striking out with chicks is any kind of reprieve. Oh, let me tell you about yesterday.............this is GROSS. I grabbed a box of milk for my cereal yesterday, they're next to the juice boxes (isn't that cute, I drink juice boxes?) I wanted a drink first, so i drank a mouthful. Without swallowing, I realized I must have grabbed a juice because of the tartness.***you see where this is going??*** Then I felt the texture of cottage cheese..... Yeah...I grabbed a milk that somehow wasn't sealed for the last 2 months. YUCK. I immediately spit the contents onto my tray, not caring who I grossed out. A mouthful of sour, curdled, milk. At least I won't need any penicillin for the next few years. Just thinking about is making me wanna puke up my Subway. Maybe thats how Jared lost all that weight, bulimia! alright, enuff writing for now.............
This is where a crow tried to take my camera--their friggin' huge like in Resident Evil. As you can see, I left my razors at the gym again. See the mud? thats from a week ago, the stuff just doesn't dry here. In 4 months it'll be 140 degrees, that'll dry that mutha out. I have a 3 day OSHA class tomarrow, another notch in my resume, woo-hoo! I get to sleep in to 6am. Thats what time I used to go to bed. Any change of scenery is cool, actually looking forward to eating someplace where I haven't had my last 423 meals.....I was pretty busy today, but I had my camera and took random shots so you can feel like you've been to Iraq vicariously. oooh! Matt wrote a big word!
Dude! Someone took me seriously when I said I cut the mouse's legs off! Holy Crap, read the fine print, I said I was kidding. I actually spent time out of my extremely busy schedule to cut the little guy out! come on! Who else would do that?? I didn't want to hurt the little guy, so I just cut his fur out of the glue, jeeez! I love animals--they're delicious! JUST KIDDING. I've also been called Poo Obsessed! Ya'll don't agree do you? Damn, next their gonna tell me theres no toof fairy. A slight case of fecalphelia, perhaps, but not an obsession. I save that for Bea Aurthur- mmmmm!
Scatman Matt
This cute little critter was born last week in Mexico City (wherever that is). I just wanted to keep you abreast of things.
Has anyone seen the rest of my blog? Its disapeared and I can't find it........ are ya'll seeing the same thing I am?
HUH? 12 hours at work and PUFFMATTY has gotten 2 hits.......c'mon people, get with the program.......I'm disapointed with you, so no update! NO!! BAD! READERS BAD!!!! THIS IS WHERE I RUB YOUR NOSE IN THE CARPET.........
Ok, I'm dedicating this quick update to answering questions and comments...... A) We don't have Autozones in Iraq to make key copies, we have one spare per car. So Naaaaaah! Number B) I checked behind the trailer where I left Jerry. He's still laying there (sleeping, I presume) someone laid a charming little cardigan sweater with a Christmas tree design on it over him--he looked sooo peaceful! C) My daughter was 5 when I locked her in the car, with the A/C on. I gave her the specific task of staying awake and unlocking the power doors when I got out of the convenient store. The minute I got in the store, she was asleep and 15 minutes of banging on the car door couldn't wake her up. D) Which one of you "readers" is in Redwood City, CA ??? My Grandparents used to live there. Wait, are we related? E) Tell your friends and family to come to my site 'cuz it takes alot of visitors to even make a dollar with my "advertisements"--click on one--something "magical" happens.
I was on the computer all morning trying to get a flight to see me brother in Longdong, England. What a hassle. It ain't gonna happen, I'll tell ya that. Its a minimum $250/night for any hotel and because of time restraints, I 'd hafta try and see all of Ingland in 2 days. Sorry, Scott, you got served. That pist me off. I really wanted to go. Know what else pisses me off? Last night, after work, I grabbed the keys and went to the chow hall with my buddy. When i got back to the truck the key wouldn't open the door. After a good 10 minutes of trying, I figured out that the keys I was using were for our tanker truck which was also a Ford. I said to myself:
"Self, did you possibly drop the keys?"
I figured i dropped the truck keys somewhere and also brought along the tanker keys, by accident. I spent 20 minutes with my little barely-lit flashlight searching the mud for those damn keys. Couldn't find'em. Mind you its barely above freezing here....Finally, I figured I'd have to bite the bullet--I needed to get on the radio and call for help. There are approximately 100+ people monitoring the radio at all times, so announcing I lost the keys was admitting total dumbassidness. But it was about 38 degrees.... So I did it....Well, to make a long story longer, the keys I brought WERE for the water pump truck--but they could also start my truck. What are the $%&*@#ing odds?? I felt SOO stupid looking and asking around for my keys......that really ruined my night--I was so upset that I couldn't go to the gym................. Well, its time to go "home" now, whaddya think I do, blog all day?
Ladies and gentlemen.....we got him.......I've trapped the mouse....My hereditary hunter/gatherer skills have paid off, now I AM THE ALPHA MALE of the trailer. I feel kinda bad, now. Poor Jerry had struggled all night in the goo and he was exhausted. I've really softened in my old age- I couldn't discard the trap with him still squeeking, so I sat for 15 minutes cutting him out with scissors. It wasn't easy--a couple of the legs had to be sacrificed, but I think he hardly noticed. He politely thanked me and hobbled off--in a circle. He's still doing laps now. Pretty soon he'll pass out from dizziness and the blood loss. I'm just kidding--I gave him a severe hair/fur cut and sent him on his way. Now he's outside in 30 degree weather freezing his tail off with half a jacket on. He'll make it for a couple hours before one of the big-ass crows has him for breakfast. Hey, I did my part.
Its bird crap- I damn near put my hand in it.....Looks like he had insect for lunch. I know the picture isn't that clear, but what can you expect from an $80 camera now a days??
Ladies and genitalmen of the jury...we have a mouse in the house. Exhibit A, above, shows clear evidence of said rodent. And Exhibit B is that we have a witness- me. How I missed putting this in an update, I have no idea. So here I was, minding my own business, munching on my 5th protein bar of the day, when I saw a furry little head staring at me from behind my laptop. He scared the corn outta me-I must've jumped 12 feet into the air while he hauled fur the other way. Now, believe me, I'm not afraid mice, turtles are a whole other story. (some other time) I think the little critters are cute. I've bought dozens of them- my boa constrictor ate 'em like I eat Chik-fil-A chicken nuggets. Chickfilla...mmmm......Man, I miss Chik-fil-A....ADD strikes again, sorry. Oh, anyway, he got into my snack drawer and for that he must die. He chewed into my peanut butter, my oatmeal and my ketchup- but he wisely skipped the mayonnaise. You don't mess with my peanut butter, I have to maintain my weight for when I cage fight. Well, the pest control people came today and gave me a sticky mouse-trap thing that he's 'sposed to get stuck in, just like the mud here. Now I have something else to do, check for my new pets arrival. Its like mouse fishing. I hope he likes me 'cuz I'm gonna hold him--and squeeze him--and love him--can i feed the rabbit, George?? huhhh huhhh..........stay tuned!
OK, since someone didn't claim the prize, its up for grabs. Whoever guesses the country from which the winner came from, the prize is yours. Heres a hint:
the country covers 1,269,346 square miles. Happy Googling!
The winner of my FABULOUS prize did not leave his address!!.......so i will give him until I wake up tomarrow.........mmmm thats, uhh, like 9 hours from now, I guess, to leave his address. If this guy doesnt wanna admit he's been to my site, I understand...... I'm in bed, sitting in my underwear watching Jaws- the movie, thats not the name of my tallywhacker, silly! I'm realizing what a great idea this contest wuz. Had a lot of "hits" (for my site). I don't mind sending crap, either --its free up to a certain weight, for us ex-pats. Everything in the haji shops is cool. Cool Iraq shirts-n-stuff, even it was made in a Kathy-Lee style sweatshop somewhere in Malaysia. Gotta go, Quinn is about to be shark dinner....then shark poo.
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DUDE! I was researching for todays post and I found this picture. Wow. They're called "confidence pants". I'll say. Damn, I'd feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof wearing that much confidence on my lap. Thats like a hardhat for your crotch...... Y'know what? I'm not gonna write anymore 'cuz I cant handle having to look at this. Lots of pictures from my day off below......Matt
