Matt's Day Off

Wanna hear something stupid? Its my day off and I still came to work! dum-dum-dum-dummm. I drove around and took pictures of what can be photographed--I am in a warzone--certain things are off limit. Wanna see some cool shit? Well lets go!.............

This is Saddams Ba'ath Party Headquarters after aTomahawk cruise missle crashed the party. That party musta been tha bomb. (I couldn't resist) Well, guys, its taking like 15 minutes to get each picture on so you'll hafta live with one picture for now.

I can't even think of a title for this.......

**************************You know what cracks me up?. Civil War reenactors. Why would you want to get completely dressed up in a hot-ass uniform on a hot-ass day and "play war"? And who really wants to be the first loser/martyr to "die"? Yeah, I want to be that guy who is shot first, falls "dead", then bakes in the sun while every one else gets "wounded". Hell, if this is make believeland, then I'm bulletproof! I have a gun that never runs out of bullets and x-ray vision. I would never get shot either-I don't care if you ARE 4 feet away--YOU MISSED ME!! ......Anyway, on a whim, I Googled it, and found there is an entire underground society that embraces this redneck "playtime". These people actually spend thousands of dollars to get replica uniforms, guns, canons and other crap. And if you thought this only happens in America, the picture (above left) is in England! Blimey! Whats up with that? I included the guys on the right because thats what I think about when I talk about the South. The front guy has a classic mullet with beautiful, free-flowing curls and natural highlights, not to mention a bumper crop of shoulder hair. Shoulder hair ? How the hell do you get that? From the front, this guy could be your boss, right? But then he turns around and......."IT'S PARTY TIME!!" As an added bonus, we have a true Redneck Tribute 'doo in the background! Good golly, why are you outta the trailer? NASCAR must not be on today. Hmmm, I wonder if the shades match the carpet?

ANOTHER CRAPPY UPDATE

"OH SHIT!"

Man, this is gonna be a crappy update, so I wanna apologize in advance. Want to know something? Up until the day I got to Iraq, I had never, ever, taken a dump in a porta-potty. Never. Sure, I've deposited many beers in these fine establishments, but thats all. I've never enjoyed the smell, the fecal miss-drops or that suspiciously fragrant blue liquid (thats not the stuff they put on sno-cones, is it?)-- although I do enjoy the graffiti. Necessity has changed all of that. I work 12 hours days. Shit happens, but I refuse to take it sitting down- literally. I will not sit on the seat, thats a fact. Its just too gross. I'm a squatter. Like my father before me.
Does this make me less of a man? I hope not. Sometimes you gotta stand up for yourself. And squat.
I want you to know this wasn't meant to be a real post, it was susposed to be like an appetizer. Just an in-betweener until I come up with something brilliant. What got me started on this tirade? I got "smurf assed" by a splashback. I wanted to write about it because I was feeling a little "blue" about the situation. I hope this update isn't too corny, but I'd go completely nutty if I didn't share my views on the subject. I was really in a pinch, but felt intellectually wiped out by not having anything to write about. I didn't want to raise a big stink about it, but I'm feeling relief that the ideas are just sliding out. My face is flush with excitement. Do you think the Cleveland Browns will make the playoffs? Wow, I'm pooped! Have a nice day! dammit i cant stop now poop shit caa caa turd pinch a loaf diarrhea drop a coil Hershey squirts

I'M A BAD TEXAN

Hi, my name is Matt. I'm from Texas but I've been sending everyone stuff with the Chilean flag!! Oops. They look very similar, don't they? Everyone wants crap from Iraq. They have cool stuff here. T-shirts, hats all sorts of crap here. Hell, even Taco Bell is getting in on the action. Do you like the ads on my site? ME NEITHER! looks tacky, huh? What a corporate sellout!!

Rock of the Day / December 27th

Congratulations, Rock, you'd get a gift certificate if I could find you again!

Christmas Post

*********************Well, people, its Christmas and I can't through on the phone, so if I know you, or I don't, Merry Christmas. Enjoy your family, your friends, the food and good times. After nearly burning my eggnogs off yesterday (read yesterdays post), I will enjoy the holidays with a little extra zest. This morning I heard John Lennons' Christmas classic "Merry Christmas (The War is Over)" which is a great song, until that nasty hag, Yoko Ono(above), starts singing. HOLY CRAP! It sounds like a dying calf in a hail storm. The reasons the Beatles broke up? Her singing. I bet she snuck in some backing vocals. I'd rather listen to fingernails scratching down a blackboard (the extended version). Hmmmm, (have you noticed a lot of parenthesis?) Oh, well, enjoy your Xmas eve, I'm already at work--and Santa brought me new jeans for Christmas. He must read my blog. peace.

Al-Qaida Targets My Weapon of Mass Destruction

LIQUID FIRE. Thats what it feels like when you get nitric acid on yourself. Think of that scene in "Fight Club", where Tyler Durden puts the lye on whats-his-face's hand. Well, thats actually a base, but acid hurts just as bad. Somehow I got some on my NEW jeans. And somehow, of all places, on the crotch. And I was wearing my protective suit. Go figure. And it also somehow dripped into my chemical resistant, steel toed, no-slip surface Wolverine GT Turbo work boots with inflatable spoiler. Chemical resistant my ass. The acid dripped down my suit onto the top of my boot and seeped in. It was like a scene in cartoons where the character's foot is on fire and they calmly ask "hey, whats burning?" BOOM! and then the pain hit .....ow........Oww..........OWWWWW! OHH CRAP!! After I got my boot off and soaked my foot in the ice cold emergency shower (it was 35 degrees this morning) the acid started soaking through the crotch of my jeans. SURR-PRISE!! I have no idea how it got through my suit, but I had to drop my drawers and splash water like crazy on "Mr. Peepers". Now, its almost freezing, and I'm soaking my crotch with ice water, which will probably make me sterile for the next year. Thank God no one had a camera-because Mr. Peepers was looking rather pre-pubescent down there. That was 2 hours ago, we're fine. I 've changed my clothes but wonder how I almost got chemically castrated. If you see my December 6th update, you will see my pants fell apart at the SAME EXACT SPOT. Coincidence? I think not! There can be only one explanation--Al Qaida. Is there some kind of conspiracy against my wiener? Did the culprit act alone? Only time will tell, but I will definitely order that TEFLON codpiece I saw online.

RETIRED HOOTERS BRIGADE

We had hot wings at the chow hall today. They were ok, but all the food is served by tiny little men with heavy accents, not chicks in orange Daisy Dukes. Why is it whenever I go to Hooters, I get the "big" girl? Y'know, the managers niece? You order a dozen wings and only 10 make it to the table, and shes got hot sauce on her face. The shorts make it look like shes wearing a pumkin? Yeah, thats the one. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm not the one putting myself on display, am I? I miss fast food. We have a Taco Bell here, but it tastes funny and it takes about 30 minutes to get your food. Plus, its very expensive. I spent $10 last time i was there, not too mention the cool hat I also bought. They also have a Taco Bell Iraq watch for $25. When did Taco Bell get into the fashion and fashion accessory business? Y'know I wish I knew about that watch before I spent $45 for my damn Timex.

My Music Has Grown Moldy

Kids, I need a favor. I need music. I need some rock. Some head bangin' , hip swivelin', toe tapping (not like in the men's bathroom stall) music. I have 500 songs on my ipod that should have been erased a year ago............. Good God, look at Lars Ulrich's five, I mean, forehead! You could show a movie on that thing!..... ANYWAY, I just wanted to put Napster and Lars on the same page. I don't know how my picture ended up there--i don't know how to take it off. It was real sunny that day. Speaking of Napster....are there still sites on the internet to steal music from or do I hafta pay $1 for songs on itunes that can be found in the clearance bin at Walmart? They have Army radio stations here, but right now they're playing all Christmas music. I'm trying to ignore the fact that the holiday is so close but when they play "Do they know its Christmas time at all?" its hard to avoid. I got a groovy update tomarrow, but i gotta get a flash drive so i can transfer all the goodies. Why is there a huge, empty space at the top of this update? I don't know".............I like that.....Mr. Hand, will I pass World History? Well, gee, Mr. Spicolli, I DON"T KNOW....I'm going to write that on the board for all my students to see"

"All Right!"

IRAQI ROCK OF THE DAY

Congratulations, "Rocky"! You have won a $10 gift certificate to Golden Corral!

Britney Spears Sister is Pregnant!!

Houma, LA (AP)- Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of white trash queen Britney Spears, announced her pregnancy today. Spears, 16, has the top rated kids show on Nickelodeon, After Hours School Fantasies. The pregnancy came as a surprise to her sister.

"I didn't know you could be sober during sex" says Britney while chugging a Colt .45 beer.

Jamie Lynn and the father, Darrell, a 37 year old meter reader, plan to reside in a two room trailer somewhere in Louisiana.

Darrell, pictured above, says Spears will continue to work until late 2008 when he "has a big deal going down".

This is expected to be the first of many children for Spears who says she'll have her tubes tied when she 20.

THEY MADE ME DO PHYSICAL LABOR!

WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! They made me work today!! It wasn't that hard, don't worry......I'm ok. Rest easy. Not hurt. I'm Hokey Dokey. Not much happened today but it is another day closer to my trip to the Philippines for my surgery. My mom says the tiny indention on my chest is a third nipple, so I'm having a breast implant put in underneath it. They're only charging me half price of a regular boob job. Am I excited? Does the Pope shit in the woods?! I'll be like the chick from Total Recall. "Give them airrrrr.......!" Thats a quote from the movie, people. I couldn't find a picture of the pissed off mutant on the actors chest, but the baby above is pretty close. Can you imagine having a pissed of mutant on your chest? Imagine going to the beach. Rub some lotion on my tumors!! Better than playing Jar Jar Binks, tho'. time to go........................

Is it fair to be THIS cool?

The socks? The Topsiders? The hair? Some people can just corner the market on COOLNESS! Notice I didn'y say anything about the RATT shirt. He's pretty excited--Mom must've made meatloaf for dinner!!

Feel Free To Leave Comments

Yeah, you just click the little "comments" word at the bottom-- its so even Sloth from the Goonies could do it. "Sloth love Chunk!". Yeeeah, ok, whatever. Its weird being 9 hours ahead of my friends and family, but everyone can benefit from my being here--I know the future! Tomarrow will be very sunny, breezy and a 100% chance of Blackhawk helicopters constantly flying right over your head. The lotto numbers will be 13, 17, 5, 22, 3 and 39. And Dan Folgelberg will die tomarrow. See, soft rock IS bad for you. You're next, Air Supply! I guess you people never saw "Midnight Crossing"-- that one seemed to fall flat. Lots of new things below, including pictures for those who "don't read much good."

HUMILIATION

Just saw something funny. Had a Bosnian customer come in with his Jordanian helpers, dropping off some material. When they were done, they got in the truck and drove off as the last guy was reaching for the door handle. I'm glad stuff like that is funny globally. But then again, the world is just here to entertain me.

Not Much Happening Today

You know what? Working in Iraq, I've come to the realization that I live in the richest trailer park in the whole world. Neat, huh? So for Christmas I'd like a broken washing machine for the porch.....I have more to say, but its just too disturbing to type while this guy is staring at me. GO AWAY! No, you can't bum a smoke off me!

MY SUMMER VACATION IN A TURKISH PRISON

Let me explain whats going on. I had a whole other update set up and then the guy to the right showed up. He was a 4 foot Turkish dude who kept asking me about my sex life. Come on dude, I'm in Iraq. Oh wait, now I get it........

This update brought to you by Disneys "Midnight Express"

OH, SNAP! THE POTATO GOES IN THE FRONT!

BAD FEET!! BAD!! YOU GO POTTY OUTSIDE

SO, I WAS TELLING LINDA, THE OTHER DAY--IF STEVE WON'T LET YOU CHANGE THE DRAPES, THEN DON'T USE THE TABLECLOTH! GOSH, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF TANGLES TODAY!

HOW MANY BULLETS IN THAT GUN? I GUESS........TEN!!!!!

Ohhhh Billllly Oh Billy Oh Billy

Matt Took the Day Off

I took the day off but dont expect a lame "family circus" cartoon where "Billy" does the update. Man, that kid couldn't draw worth a #$%@. I always had a thing for the mother, tho. But, I digest...........

Today is my Xmas. 2 of our crew of 5 will be gone for the Kwanzaakah, so I took my holiday today. Santa did not show up, I'm beginning to believe he doesn't exist. Instead of going to the chow hall, i decided to "dine" at Taco Bell, so i made sure to overindulge. Cant wait 'till that comes out, it'll be like childbirth, I'm sure. As a gift, I bought myself a Taco Bell/Iraq hat that will look just as lame in the States as it will here.

Its noon in Texas, 9pm here, and I'm about to goto bed in my completely worn-out bed, its a kind of a posturepedic ditch that engulfs me. A sleep cocoon where I emerge as a handsome, but manly, butterfly. Its so dry here that 10 minutes after I shower, my skin turns chalky white, so I gotta grease up with the lotion. I'm pretty sure the Taliban moisturizes too. Good night, bongo

I knocked up Jessica Alba

Los Angeles (AP)- Actress Jessica Alba, and beau Matthew Calonico announced her pregnancy today on Good Morning, America. Calonico, 28, best known for his writing and comedy skills was estatic.

"I really don't think she's that hot, but I felt sorry for her and well...." admits Calonico, best known for being one of the worlds highest paid hand models.

The couple have no plans for marriage, but expect more children in the future.

"at least a bakers dozen" says Calonico, who adds "she was on the pill, but they kept falling out"

The couple resides in Baghdad, Iraq, where they raise wounded puppies.

STAR WARS TRIBUTE UPDATE

These are not the 'roids you're looking for....

Check out all the updates below!

Wheres the Bar??

Mos Eisley Spaceport-You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Oh, wait, its just Iraq. More stuff below...

Wookipedia--The Nerds Bible

Today I found a pretty damn funny site at http://owenlars.blogspot.com/ its a fictional account of the daily life of Luke Skywalkers' Uncle Owen. Tells his perspective of life on....oh, hell where was he from? Dantooey, they're on Dantooey. No they werent. Apparently, Uncle Owen was a much more complex person, than he led on. I dont remember what planet they were on, but I do know the Milenium Falcon did the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. I remember being a kid and my parents going to see it before I did. My parent were cutting edge back then..... I had no idea what lay in store. Star Wars was life changing , it was......Hell, I was chasing down a fly the other day and thinking "the force is strong in this one". Stay on target.....Stay on target. The fly just "impacted on the surface".
Lets talk about what sucks the very mostest about Star Wars--Jar Jar Binks. WTF was big ol' faced George Lucas thinking? Did the actor save GL's life? Maybe have some nude photos of him? He sounded like Roger Rabbit, puh puh puuh puh-leeese, Eddie!!! How Ruuuuuude. Why did they feel the need for comedic relief? C3PO took care of that lame job. And what was the deal with Hayden (?) Christenson (?)--he musta went to the same acting school as Keanu "Bill S. Preston" Reeves. Take the pineapple out of your ass before you say your lines. Leave me comments on the lamer side of Star Wars and we'll run with that for a few days, I got nut'n but time.

Beer Haiku

I am in Iraq

it is starting to piss me off

I cannot drink beer

BRUNDLEFLY

Remember that part in The Fly ( the remake with Jeff Goldblum) where Brundlefly transports himself between those 2 phone booths? And then he's all wigging out because his body is all pure (minus fly DNA)? That's what i feel like. I've had no fast food, coke, beer for 5 weeks. Stock in Budweiser is at an all-time low.

I love how the Steelers lost to the Patriots after that guy "guaranteed" a win. Didn't he know Joe Namath is the only Psychic football player?

"The Joe Namath Psychic Friends Network, Joe speaking........Oh, Suzy Kolber?? I was expecting this call, I wanna kiss you, Suzy"

I'M SO GLAD I HAVE THIS CAMERA AND A LOT OF SPARE TIME.

I AINT AFRAID TO SAFETY DANCE

I was driving and listening to the radio when Men Without Hats came on. Remember them? They had that weird video for "The Safety Dance". Being part of Health, Safety and Environment (I'm the environmental part) I felt inclined to participate in the "Safety Dance" (Don't worry, I pulled over, exited the truck and put on my hazard lights.) I had the ol' Delco stereo turned up to 11. I was jammin! To get the above picture I had to go to their site--YES, they have one--did you know they have a greatest hits CD? I hope you didn't! That was one of those "guilty pleasure" songs you probably have on your iPOD. I left my mp3 player on the plane on the way to Dubai, and I cringe at the thought of someone scrolling through my songs. Its like someone inspecting your dirty underwear. Thats all I got to say about that. You can dance if you want to.

Know Your Enemy

Look at that little slut lay her eggs. She probably doesn't even know who the father is. Gonna be another fly family on welfare. Look at those eyes, ever heard of Visine? Is that dookie? Man, I feel bad for the photographer.

URINE LUCK---I UPDATED!!!

Looky what I gots.......

Got my Cuban cigar and pirated version of Beowulf...........SUCKAS!!!

I hope this version doesnt have someone sitting in front of the camera like in some of my other movies! YOU! Down in front! That you Fidel?

It aint ALL bad.

Rough Neighborhood

I leave my Bradley Fighting Vehicle out in the street for ONE night and someone steals my tracks! Baghdads really going downhill.

Roe vs. Wade, Brown vs. The Board of Education, Kramer vs. Kramer and now.... Matt vs. Levi-Strauss.

Check this crap out, (just don't ask how I got the picture) I've always been a Levis man--except those god alful cavariccis I had in '91--and I've never had a pair fall apart in so short'a time. I couldnt resist taking a picture, the tear actually goes up to the zipper.

I'm worldwide, now

I have international readers, now. I'm just sorry the first post ya'll read was about bodily functions. I have a new problem, though. My brand new jeans have a 4 inch tear--in the crotch, of course. They're a freak'n month old, and it was quite cold today. So I emailed Levi-Strauss but did not include the picture I had taken as it was borderline pornography.

Its best not to fart in your suit until you have your respirator on.

Thats Little John on the right, he's 6'3 and Canada-ian. I'm on my steel-tippy toes. Does this suit make me look fat? "No, but your face does!"

Sick of my updates yet?

I doubt it. I've got a mammoth zit forming in that little valley under my nose. No pictures will be taken. Call me Adolph Zitler!! Its gonna be a mini-Kracatoa. Here is a picture of a diet coke. See the squiggles? Thats chinese. Notice the pull tops, haven't seen those since the '80s.

I'm definately losing it.

OK, tomarrow is the 6th. One month here and the 3 year anniversary of Dimebag Darrells demise. I must explain the hate I have for these flies. They land inside your ear, on your face, in your eyes, this, is the reason for the despise. I tell them to go away, yet they ignore my cries, as they crawl on my arms, my legs and thighs. They land on my oatmeal, my milk, my homestyle fries, man I hate those little guys.

WELCOME TO THE FLY MORGUE, MUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!!!!!

As if anyone couldn't tell, my mind tends to wander quite a lot, its like a fever--and the only prescription is wikipedia. What did I do before google?? I don't remember, google it. Today I thought about homemade beer, then googled it, got busy outside, came back to my computer. What did the IT department monitors possibly see plastered on the page for an hour? How to Make Your Own Beer. I'm sure its ok, I'm basically in detox here anyway.

The corpses of my tormenters. Theres always room for more.

This morning while you were watching MNF.

PIMP MY FLYSWATTER

So the IT department emails me so I can get online with the companies intranet. They wanna know the name of my computer so they can route me to the system. I emailed them back saying his name was Steve. They dont share the same sense of humor that i do.

Been really busy, they're giving me more responsibility, which is good. Went to the Hajii shop--oops- i mean the Hajii-American shop(?),whatever, and they have ahuge selection of pirated movies. One of the best parts is the translation of the titles: "Crazy silly movie with Murder" is Scary Movie and so forth. I think they just look at the box and start naming. gotta go,peace.

PIMP MY FLYSWATTER

My two new best friends--my customized flyswatter (multicolored pinstripes, skull-n-crossbones, carbon fiber handle) and Steve the computer.

Updates later today. Thats like 4am to ya'll.

To both my fans--

I brought my camera-maybe they'll let me actually leave the property today and i can take pictures of things other than the sky, dirt and crappers--wait that all thats here. l8r.........