THE BITCH IS BACK

I shit you negative. I get a half-chubby just looking at my car. I can't help it. Its a 307hp NISSAN Viagra....Niagra? Work with me here, my mind has been corrupted with fine Canadian whiskey.

Had the windows tinted yesterday, now no one can see me drinking my beer. And no, the car hasn't gotten me laid yet. Perhaps if I wasn't shit-faced by 8pm every night, I'd have a better chance, hmmmmmm? My daughter and I are driving up to Dallas today to see my sis and nephew and some bum she married. He likes Crown, too, so how bad can he be?? Nothing remarkable to report lately..........
(which proves that I am getting old and dull)

But I DID meet a hot little Asian nerd-chick on the airplane, and we talked the entire 2 hours flight from Atlanta. I gave her my digits, but I think she was too smart, and saw through my faux-charm. Or maybe after the 4 Jack Daniels, she got sick of catching me look at her chubblies. Low cut shirts + close proximities + 4 JDs= me staring at your rack while you do your stupid soduko or whatever the hell its called. Needdless to say, I dint get a call. Ok, its time to pack the bags and wake up the brat (she loves to sleep, just like her old man--whoever that is---just kidding!!!) Its like 11am time to hit da road and party in the big "D". I'm outta here-ah. m

Cut Short

Wooooo hooooo!! I'm about to turn in my laptop, so I will be computerless for the next 2 days. Earlier this month, I fried the power supply on my personal laptop, so thats just one more thing I get to do when I get home. I don't care, just get me out of here.

I've been shopping and pricing cars for the last 3 months and have 3 dealerships waiting for me to test drive perspective sleds. I've been reading up on car buying and haggling tips. I've been reading up on what NOT to say and I know the Blue Book values of each models according to their mileage, options, trim. I'm going to see which dealer is the most flexible. I am READY for battle.

I love my old car, but thats what it is....an old car. Its a 1991 Mitsubishi 3000GT that I bought 3 years ago when it had 68,000 certified miles. Its was sweeeeet. I had big plans for the car, but time changed my mind and its ......... Ok, I was going to ramble on, but its time to go. Screw that car, I'm getting a new one, byotch. Toodle-loo!

I know the feeling, dude.

Rectum?! It damn near killed him!!

Just a quick anecdote. (oooh, big word alert!) To leave here for any reason, you have to go through a gauntlet of departments to confirm you're clear to fly outta the country. One of the departments that needed to sign was MEDICAL. So I went to the medic, and after looking at my records, he informed me that I needed a hepatitus shot. As he took my pulse and blood pressure readings, he handed me the electronic thermometer monitor and asked me to open my mouth. Within a split second of me opening my mouth and him sticking the sensor in my mouth, I glanced at the monitor and it showed a digital image of a human bent over on hands and knees, in "the position".

Lets just say it was a lot to ponder in .0301 seconds.

"Wait!! What did you just give me?!?"

I was serious. He says "oh, we got to remember to switch these things over"

"What!!??"

After a very awkward 4 seconds, he explained to me that it was never used as a rectal thermometer, and that the "Ned Beatty" icon automatically shows up when the unit is turned on. A very serious flaw if you ask me.

Mad Matt beyond Thunderbox

Thunderbox, crapper, port-a-potty...whatever you wanna call it, I just visited ours. Its 6pm and still 120 degrees F (49 C for you limey bastards) so sitting in the "hot box" like Cool Hand Luke isn't on the top of my list of fun things to do right now. The worst part of the deal is that they cleaned it an hour ago. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but it ends up being hotter than a Brazilian rain forest in there. Add in TP that you can see through, and you got something I'm not gonna miss later this week! Sweeeeeeet!

Thankfully, I got over my fear of sitting down in a porta-potty months ago. That was something I knew would have to change, because all this fine cuisine I'm consuming must go somewhere. Most of the time I walk around here feeling bloated like the goldfish that my brother overfed while I was a summer camp. Except I can't crap in a fishbowl. I was going to try something similar to that at a party once--but I was talked outta performing an "upper decker" by a friend of the homeowner. (Google it if ya don't understand)

Tomorrow is my last regular day of work. Then the next day we have to go thru 8 or 9 different departments to be cleared to fly. Its an all-day thing. Basically, they do this because the turnover rate is so high. Lots of people don't wanna come back, so they plan it as if you were gonna go AWOL. Ah hell, its time to go...which will make it 1 and 2 wake ups?....wait, my count is off.....tonight.....tomorrow....a wake up...but tomorrow is a wake up.........ah shit, don't matter.

Freak Dog Chews off Womans Head

Fri Jul 4, 12:35 AM ET
ALTON, Ill. - An Illinois woman says her beloved miniature dachshund gnawed off her head while she was asleep earlier this week. Linda Floyd told the Alton Telegraph Wednesday that her beloved Roscoe was euthanized because of safety concerns.
The 56-year-old says she has no feeling in her head because of nerve damage from diabetes. She discovered the head missing after waking from a nap Monday. She called her daughter, who then phoned 911.
A veterinarian says the head had been bandaged because the victim has a tendency to dress up like a mummy. That might have somehow attracted the dog, leading to the decapitation. There was no comment from the dog.

How cool is this? A freak'n camel! Or maybe its a giraffe, I dunno. They caught it running around on base and since we're next to the Vector Control area, they drove by and I took a photo. The asshole driving the truck wasn't too happy with me "spooking" his camel. He yelled at me for taking pictures. F U, bugman!! I still got the picture, nahhhhh!

Yeah, I'm bored...

That a picture of my "stupervisor". Fun with a digital camera and a Xerox machine! He needs to lay off the chocolate muffins, they're going straight to his hips.

One down, 1,384,592 to go....

Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that either delighted or scared the crap out of children for more than a half-century, died Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83.



OK, so I stole that paragraph from CNN and fixed it up a little. I hate clowns....Its not that I'm scared of clowns, its just that I find other things more a bit more amusing--like public executions and the mentally challenged. I never saw much use for clowns--I don't find them very funny, however, I found they scream like regular people when you smash their hands with a sledgehammer. That's funny. Since clowns are supposed to make you laugh, I thought Mr. Harmon would appreciate some going away humor:

• How to you kill a clown who has big, floppy shoes? With a big, floppy sack of door knobs!


• Whats better than a clown falling out of a 10 story window? Another one standing below him!


• Whats the difference between a dead cat in the road and a dead clown in the road? There's skid marks in front of the cat.