It's over.....

Wow...I don't even know what to say.....but IT'S OFFICIALLY OVER! Kicked out! This morning we tested for the 4th and final time and I bombed just as bad as my first test. This time I wasn't nervous and even felt pretty confident after all the reviewing we did the day before. Long story short, the information JUST WOULDN'T SINK IN--apparently I must have some of learning disability I don't know about--my notes were so good that people photocopied them (and passed). I'm not sure what disapoints me more--the 10K I lost or the shame of failing something I worked so hard at. I stayed after class with the instructor for 3 hours on thursday and friday and also came in on sunday for 6 hours--did me no good. I can't say I didn't try, but this is gonna sting for a while.


Since I have this nice apartment for the next two weeks, I'm gonna make it my home until they kick me out. I have my updated resume on my laptop and all the time in the world. It'll be interesting to see if the experience and certifications I earned as Senior Environmental Tech in Iraq means anything in the real world. Or I could go back to stripping.....

FAIL!

I figured that'd be a good intro for my update since I failed the test today pretty BAD. I missed almost twice as many as allowed, which surprised me 'cuz I felt pretty good when I turned it in. It was mainly stupid mistakes, things I should have known, but I just forgot. Stupid thing is that I can remember the lyrics to a damn "hair metal" song I haven't heard in 20 years, but I can't remember that a simple piezoelectric crystal fuze also carries electromagnetic radiation and static safeties! DUHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I'd add more but I got a retest tomorrow. I just wanted to get into the habit of updating my blog. Yeah, I had way better material when I was bored off my ass in Iraq, but that was just 'cuz I was slowly going insane........Anyhoo, If I don't pass this test, it'll be about 10k down the drain and I won't be a very pleasant person after that, so.........wish me luck, m.

UXO Class Day

Been really busy, so I haven't had much time to do much of anything. I passed my first UXO test last week with an 86, which is pretty impressive for a life-long "C" student like myself. We have a HUGE test tomorrow, I'm shooting for an 80 this time, which is the lowest possible score to pass--why reach for impossible goals, y'know?? The test is going to be identifying ordnance that we've never seen before--missiles, bombs, landmines, mortars, rockets and all sorts of grenades. Yes, they're all defused.

I'm not very confident.

IF I get through that we have the demolition, or "blow shit up" phase of the school. Thats THE FUN PART! They even issued us our tools, fake C-4 explosive and blasting caps today--they're in my trunk now, wouldn't it'd be interesting to get pulled over by the cops with this crap in my car?

Gotta get back to the books.............

Day 4 of Class

If you look closely between the two crotches, you can see my name tag!

8 am:

I found a computer that works, it's here in school. Our department shares the building with the Texas A&M Police Academy. Its funny, but I think this is where the recruits learn to become asshole cops. They're already walking down the halls with that "my shit don't stink" attitude-- No sense of humor, either-- I haven't found one black recruit that can do sound effects with a bullhorn like in the Police Academy movies! Mahoney!!! Oh, crap, break is over.......

3:30pm:

On break again. 10 hours a day in a classroom learning about landmines, mortars, projectiles and missiles. I'm just not used to sitting still so long. It's especially no fun 'cuz I'm hopped up on like 13 energy drinks. About 7 hours into the day, my mind starts wondering and I start doodling--coloring the pictures of bombs with my highlighters and drawing testicles on the missiles. I might go see Terminator tonight, but I hate seeing movies by myself. It makes me feel like such a friendless loner....I think I'd rather wear Crocs to a monster truck rally then buy a ticket for one. Time to go......out.

Here's a random picture of the house I'm staying at--they built a huge apartment over the 3 car garage--it's cool, but looks like Martha Stewarts grandma decorated it....

It's a HUGE house and kinda looks like the one in The Facts of Life, but there's no Tootie! Come back, Tootie! Come back to me! Doesn't my car look bad ass?????
-

This is great, the internet at the apartment I'm renting doesn't work. Not sure how I'm gonna write anything now. I'm at a Best Buy right now pretending like I wanna buy this computer, and the sales guy keeps pestering me trying to make a sale. Funny thing is that I've stuffed my pants full of some items I don't intend on paying for and he won't go away......I think I'm going to leave this on the screen when I leave........

I'm Baaaaaaaack

Yeah, that's right, I'm back! Recent events have inspired me to start blogging once again..SCHOOL! It finally starts tomorrow and I can't sleep now. 4 weeks of intense Unexploded Ordnance Disposal training at Texas A&M in lovely College Station, Texas.

The last few months I've done pretty much nuthin' but harvest fat. Nothing really worth writing about...Eat, drink, sleep, rinse, repeat..........Can't complain, I basically took all the weekends I missed while working 7 days a week while in Iraq. Man, I don't miss that place at all...

I read and erased the last few updates--wow, they sucked! I'll have plenty to write about in the next few weeks and hope you'll join me as hilariousness ensues.

Love, Matty

The wind woke me up this morning, howling and shaking the satellite dishes on the roof of my hooch. But that's ok, I'm leaving today! I haven't seen the wind blow like this in months, it's nasty, and the dust is really effing with my sinuses. But that's ok! I leave today......by......uh......helicopter. Oh crap. Guess I'm not going anywhere....

Number of hilarious people that have said "Are you still here?" today = 5

Still here....

Daggum, it's like that movie, Groundhog Day. Every day, I wake up in my same damn bed and see the same damn people. I could be home right now slammin' Jack and cokes, but noooooo. Just curious...is anyone reading this??

Jinx \Jinx\, n. A person, object, influence, or supernatural being which is supposed to bring bad luck or to cause things to go wrong.

Me and my big mouth. I waited 2 hours for a chopper to get out of here last night and when it shows up, they say they don't have room. Meanwhile, the last convoy out of here for the next few days leaves. Looks like i'll be here a few more days.....I'm not saying goodbye anymore.

Baghdad, I hate long goodbyes, but.......

Goodbye Hazardous Waste Storage Area. You were the reason I came here. I've seen you grow so much over the last 10 months! I nursed you back into compliance and even installed an emergency eye wash so we could work safely together! I rearranged you countless times and swept the dust from you weekly. We were a great team....HWSA, you complete me.

Goodbye Rip It Energy Drinks! Feared by insurgents everywhere! What's even scarier than a heavily armed 19 year old who's totally wired on caffeine?? The fact that my daughter is getting her drivers license next month! Pay those insurance premiums.....

Goodbye $2 Cuban cigars! I've smoked one a day since I've been here. Anyone know a good dentist? My teeth be look'n a wee bit brown.

Goodbye big box of movies. There's about 5000 hours of movies in that box and I think I've seen 'em all. Except that box set of Friends--not sure how that got there--really!

Goodbye Hajji shops! I'm going to miss the outrageous prices you charge for cheap knock-off merchandise made in sweatshops by child laborers! Just like Kathie Lee!

Goodbye Salami in my fridge! We had some great times but I always resisted the urge to eat you. March 27 will be your first birthday (seriously!) and I'm gonna miss it. I knew we should have gotten you a passport so you could see the world!

Goodbye Shower/Urinal. You cleansed me and relieved me in an efficient manner, 'nuff said!

Goodbye boxes of milk that don't need to be refrigerated! What's up with that, anyway?? Fortified with enough vitamins and minerals to ensure a proper Jihad against the infidels!

And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!!

Well, that's it for me, 16 months of working 12 hours every day in Iraq. It was a great ride thanks for reading along. I'll keep blogging when I get home, but until I get there I won't have any Internet access. Next stop, Houston. Well, actually Dubai.....OK, then Atlanta...but then...... TEXAS!