Been using the last few weeks to work on my mullet. I think I can be a sort of fashion-lightning rod, to stimulate late '80s hair styling. LET'S BRING ROCK BACK!!! In reality, I'm genetically destined to lose most of it all--might as well go for broke before I sport the "skullett"!
**note the reversable Jesus face sculpture--his eyes follow where ever you go (which isn't far in my 9' by 18' trailer)**

This is a view of my trailer with the door open. Apparently, the last guy to live here was the Camp Manager so I have this oversized executive desk that takes up almost a quarter of my damn room. Wish I had more to add to this pic, but I'm to dam stoopid~

Mommmy...where's Fluffy???

Once I learned that I could hook my laptop up to my flatscreen, my day looked a lil' better...Now I get to waste countless hours on Mafia Wars LIFE SIZE!

Gawd, I feel like such an ass when I check on my blog. I obviously don't do it as much as I did when I started in 2007--thats when Blogging was new to me and I was excited to update every other day or so--now I just kinda do it when the guilt overrides my laziness. Good Gravy, I started this blog almost 3 years ago, I can't quit now, right?? Weird thing is there's a few thousand hits every time I do happen to check. Why is this? You'd think having a few regular(irregular?) readers would light a fire under my semi-creative ass, ehh? Nahhhhhhh...........laziness RULES!

Here's a recap of what you missed the last 5 weeks you missed 'cuz you're not awesome enuff to be me.......

3 days ago, I got back in Iraq after a 3 week vacation (or "holiday" for you, Steve). It was fun, but it always makes me homesick for the next few weeks. Now, 3 days is an important part of that last sentence--since that is the number of days that I've been suspended for my "little no-no" I did 2 months ago--they started my punishment the day I got back...... In other words, I've been here in my tiny trailer sleeping, playing video games, sleeping and watching videos FOR FREE. I'm going INSANE for NO PAY!

You'd think it'd be fun for a little while, but you'd be think'n WRONG! I was going to post some pics for artistic...uh....well--you know embellishment? but it's not working....You come to Puffmatty just to be glad your not here, right? Blogger is not letting me move my pics down from the top of my blog so I will have to use my computer savvy (?) to overcome this ....

Hard to believe it was 20 years ago today.......

Stevie Ray Vaughan

October 3 1954 - August 27 1990

This man deeply influenced my air guitar techniques

Well, it's been 3 weeks since I did my boo-boo. I ended up getting bitched out by at least 18 people and had to write numerous statements, but that's about all (so far). Dang, I didn't know the picture of the band-aid I stole was going to be that big.....

While sitting on the can a minute ago, I realized I never followed up on my last update-I couldn't leave Steve hanging like that--so I promptly washed my hands and logged on to ol' http://www.puffmatty.com/ Man, I really wish I had thought up a better name for my blog 3 years ago. Even P. Diddy doesn't use his old nickname. Does that make me P. Mitty?

I erased all my pictures off my hard drive by accident, but as a reward for checking my blog I have included a few random and BORING pictures that somehow survived...

The first tent on the left is where I lived in for 3 weeks back in June. It was air conditioned, but the AC units couldn't keep up with the sun, so at about 10am I'd actually have to get out of bed and work. Bummer. And apparently I snore realllllllly loud. Not a good way to make friends.

Well, this is what I do. I document things. Environmental things. Sounds boring? Looks boring? Welcome to my world.

These are the Porta-Johns, Porta-cans, Porta-potties or just damn "shitters" that we had to use at the camp I was in. The camp was closing down and I was there to document the closure, so the plumbing was already removed at this point. It gets 130 degrees/54 celsius/23 Euros in Iraq so you can imagine how hot these bastards get. You always emerge 10 lbs lighter through sweating and, well, you know.......

I hope you enjoyed my lame update. Don't forget there are almost 3 YEARS of comedic gems to read thru, I think they are on the right side of the blog (I really should check my blog more often)

Wow, so much has gone on today, it's even weirding me out to talk about. A lot of it has to do with OPSEC/"Operational Security" (i.e. hush-hush stuff) that i can't mention cuz I'm in a war zone. So, with carefully worded phrases I can tell you why I might be getting FIRED (or SACKED, for Aussie Steve-luv ya dude!)

I kind of took a new-hire chick thru a place where she had no clearance for (and I unfortunately forgot to bring my badge) That's a HUGE no-no, being a contractor for the Coalition Forces over here in Iraq. So, I gotta see what the final result is.....The trip was legit, believe me ---the girl and I had business where we were going--it wasn't "hey, baby, check out my bazooka" or anything.....I just bypassed something i shouldn't have. We'll see tomorrow if i got a job or not. I really hate to lose my job 25 days before I get my tax break, so if that DOES happen--I gotta stay out of the US for about 25 days--which WILL make for an interesting blog--anyone got an extra room?? Steve???

You're probably wondering what inspired me to write a REAL update for once...Well, it had a lot to do with my socks. I bought some new socks yesterday (a real treat for me) since my others were disintegrating from a combination of washings, sweat and other DNA related misfortunes that a sock should not have to endure.

Size 6-12?! How do I know which one is the size 10?

The fact that the socks had a resealable top puzzled me. Was I supposed to refrigerate them or was that to maintain the "new sock smell"? I dunno. I resisted the urge to tear the bag in the middle and tried to use the top--it was a no-go. I couldn't tear the top w/o screwing up the ziplock top. It'll just be one of those unsolved mysteries like how the rabbits built those statues on Easter Island....

The laundry here sucks pretty bad. The US Gov requires a specific laundry detergent at all laundries on base which basically has no smell or residue and is safe on Army uniforms. If you want sparkly-fresh shirts that smell like lemons, you're better off just wearing your clothes into the shower--which I have done, in fact, I wear my hats into the shower everynight, cuz you'll get that white "dried sweat ring" around the sides if you don't wash'em everyday. I also bring my dishes into the shower with me sometimes. (a true story that probably didn't need to be shared)

Soooo Not Cool

Needless to say, it's hotter than hell here. It usually peaks around 125 degrees around 2pm. Burn!

Cheese and Crackers, I got so much to write about, I've really neglected my blog. For that, I apologize--the heat and boredome really burned me out for a while. I went 5 months without a day off. About 2 weeks ago I got back from my second R&R--most of which I spent most of with my daughter, Alexis. I waited until she was out of school for the summer, so we could take a trip together. I told her we were going to Chicago, to visit a slaughterhouse and see how sausage was made. We ended up in California, where I was born a poor white child.....

We flew from Houston, Texas to LA and spent 2.5 days doing Universal Studios and the Hollywood thing. The Sunset Strip was awesome, I got to see where River Phoenix died (thanks for leaving us with Joaquin the Harelip!) and where Hugh Grant was arrested--Divine Brown wasn't around, must've been her day off.

Here we are at Unversal Studios:

Alexis NEVER takes a bad picture, but I do:

We took the little train-thingy around Universal Studios and saw where they film stuff and there was even a car lot where The Deathmobile from Animal House, the DeLorean from Back to the Future and Magnum P.I.'s Ferrari were rotting in the terrible outside conditions (sunny and 68 degrees).

Of course we saw the Bates Motel and the house from that movie....Gigli, I think it was....


Its getting late (Iraqi time) and everyone is on the internet so the bandwidth is low..I'll add more tomorrow--I'm so proud of myself for putting up a real update!

Feel free to give me an "attaboy" hmmmm? I need all the motivation i can get.............

Hey Stevie!

This is for #1 fan, Stevie Austin! He was sick of looking at my wounded finger for the last 4 months (sorry!) so here is a different finger to gawk at for the next few weeks....Or maybe its the same finger--Lord knows it's had time to heal. Expect a MEGA update within a few days-- I got a bunch of pics and stories to post.

Picture Day with a Special Treat!

These are some old pictures that I have and didn't know what to do with.

Remember when I shaved my elbow back in December? Well, a few days later my elbow somehow got infected and started swelling up like a dead cat.

People kept axing me "How the hell do you get an infected elbow??"

I pleaded ignorance (it's pretty easy for me). Who wants to admit they shaved their elbows? Not me.

I did this earlier this week. Its one of my opposable thumbs. I slammed it in the door so hard it split my nail. But no stitches, therefore no glory. Who thought to put a "b" in the word "thumbs" anyway?? Probably the same guy who put it "DUMB".

One of the benefits of working across from the Pest Department: we get to sample the goods! He was delicious!

I love this picture of me. Does this Kevlar make me look fat? No! Your face does!

What would an update be without a little pooh?! Nothing! One of the "environmental" issues I have to deal with is BLACKWATER spills. That's raw sewage for all ya'll that don't know. I was walking around this trailer where a pump station overlowed and saw this little doozie. That right there is the first actual turd I've shown in the 2 years I've been blogging. Sure, I talk turd quite a bit, but this is the first one ever caught on film. Yeah, I know its gross, but I almost stepped in it, and that's what makes it so damn funny to me!

Picture I took while flying to Camp Kalsu in a chopper. This chunk of metal fell out of the ceiling while in flight and hung there. The flight attendant never even bothered to superglue it back. What a bitch! Who knew Blackhawks were made by Toyota.............Doh! I love topical humor!

Camp Liberty from above. Nothing really funny about that.

Oh Snap! An Update!

Damn. Its 4am and I just woke up for no reason. I was having a dream (stole that from MLK) about the towel that hangs over the window on my door, to keep the room dark at night--and then I thought "Man, my dreams REALLY SUCK".

True story ya'll. There's just really nothing going on. I'm working seven 12's a week and been kick'n ass at work. I figured my "dream" would make a great segway into getting back into blogging. The I changed my mind cuz dreams can't ride segways, they'd fall off.

1 in approximately 200,000 live HUMVEE births results in a pigment deficient armored vehicle

My #1 fan STEViE AUSTIN left a message that he understands how boring it must be and I gotta give him props. He collects plane parts. No? Not really funny? Anyhoo, he saw Hurt Locker and he understands the fact I have nothing to write about. The movie was actually based on the.....base....I live on. Was that redundant? Yeah, it wasn't too realistic, but at the time I was at the theater it was either Hurt Locker or Speed Racer and I needed to see if the "hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket" trick really worked on my girlfriend.

That's it for tonight, say goodnight, Gracie.....